This is my first day off since my first full week at my new gig. I know plenty of people work ten hour day. I used to work far more than that at various times, but it has been a while, and it took me a couple of days to hit my stride.

I’m really happy I have this awesome place to stay. The landlord called it a “Mother-In-Law Bungalow”. I call it close to perfect, at least for now. But this isn’t where this wave ends. Gotta clean up some shadowing artifact.

If you had asked me a week ago if I missed Liz, I would have told you, “Of course I do!” And it would have been true. But I may have overestimated my assessment.

While I was still in Pennsylvania, I think I only allowed myself to miss her to an extent. It was as if I wasn’t actually comfortable acknowledging that it was actually real, and that she was gone.

Sure. I made a decision to make my life continue to work, and to find the direction I needed to be moving in. And I think I’ve done OK. It makes my head spin a little when I think of the past couple of months. I’ve made some pretty radical changes in my life. But change is a constant in life, and in many ways, change is the very definition of life.

On the day that absolutely nothing changes in your life, I think it is because it is over. Consider that.

But I have never able to let myself really miss her. I was surrounded by the items we had collected along our life together. It was like she was still everywhere. I didn’t resent that, but I think it was stunting me a little. This change was a good idea. Pennsylvania wasn’t doing me any favors.

I wasn’t certain how these blather sessions of mine were going to flow. Blogging is for people who are much more clever than I am. I just wanted to record this stuff as a way to get it all moved around in my head so it fit more comfortably. I share it with my friends, as entertainment, and an invitation to anyone to tell me that I’m being stupid, or an asshole. I respect the opinions of friends. It is pretty easy to tell when people really give a shit. I’m lucky to have the people I have peeking over my shoulder. Everyone knows I need guidance. Oh, no. “Supervision” was what they said I needed. Supervision.

Despite the four tens in a row, my first full work week was pretty nice. And I had a house-guest, and it was amazing.

Working essentially all weekends can really jack up your social life, not that I have any social life. But it can really get in the way of spending some uninterrupted quality time with someone you want to hang out with.

Now, I’m pretty sure that the vast majority of people following this circus know that I have an interest in a lovely woman named Kathy. She has become a very important human in my life. I have never met anyone quite like her, and I intend to spend a lot of time with her.

I marveled kind of from the start. It was interesting the road that brought us together. If anyone would have told me I would have to walk the road I’ve been traveling, and that I would end up walking it with someone who makes my heart leap like a schoolboy when I am near her, I would  have asked them if they had taken their meds as directed recently. None of this was possible. Yet, here I am.

I think that both of us, having gotten to the points in our lives that we have arrived at, have observed what happens in relationships … knowing what works and what hasn’t worked in the past. Experience.

I never expect to get over Liz. She was an amazing partner. And that’s what she was. She was my partner. We were in it, and we were in it together. Kathy understands that.

Fact is, I’m pretty sure it was Kathy who brought that to my attention. But she meant it in a slightly different way. She felt that, knowing how much I loved Liz would forever eclipse anything that we might ever have. I didn’t know how to explain to her that this was different, and that comparisons really aren’t possible. Kathy is a very different person than Liz was. They held many similar beliefs in how they thought they should live their lives, and how they viewed the world, but they approached them from very different angles. Both very tough chicks. Very strong women, both of them. And both able to make me belly laugh at the most unexpected moments.

Amazing.

A lot of feelings to reconcile.

And as fate would have it, another friend who happened to have a very similar disruption in her wave of life posted this video. I had tried to find a way to adequately articulate what this woman says, but she hit the nail solidly and squarely on the head. Thank you so much for sharing this, Danielle. This has been tough for me to put into words. I can’t imagine how different your road is from mine, now. One day, we will have to sit with a bottle of wine and compare notes. I’m sure your journey is vastly different from mine, and probably terribly interesting.

We don’t move on …

It is about what we all bring to the table. I think this short clip of her entire video (which you can easily find on YouTube) sums it up so much more nicely that my ham-handed attempt to explain feelings I’d never experienced in this way before. Nora McInerny Tells the story in a way I wish I could.

I guess I bring all of this up because I think this all can be a little hard to understand. It is for me, and I’m sure it can be confounding to the outside observer.

I remember some years back going to the wedding of a friend of Liz’s. She was marrying a guy who’s wife hadn’t even been gone a year. Wanna guess who was all judgy over that? Yeah. It was me.

I’m a bit less judgy these days.

I had a wonderful time this past weekend with Kathy. We talked. We listened to music. We drank really good wine. We watched TV. We had a couple of pretty nice meals. We spent time together, but inasmuch as I was working, I was gone until around five o’clock every day, when I would get home. So we tried pretty hard to maximize “quality time.” I think we did a pretty good job. I mean, this is like something out of some Nicholas Sparks movie. I’m amazed at how I feel in her presence. I’m very fortunate, indeed. Kathy makes everything alive and fresh to me again. She is more than I imagined a woman and fierce friend could be.

It struck me today as I noticed the bottle of wine she had brought for me… There were food items in the fridge. There are flowers. There is the smell of whatever magic stuff she touches her body with in the bathroom. There is a shirt she left behind. This place now holds memories that I hadn’t had before. Something new has stopped the attenuation and given me a better view of what is in front of me. I’m starting to see the image that was partially obscured.

Likewise, I realized how much I have separated myself from all that was. I know this was by design, but I didn’t know what it would do for me. It has allowed me to truly miss Lizzie. I would do anything to have her sitting beside me right now as I tap this out on my laptop. This isn’t the sort of place she would have sought out, but she would have really appreciated it for it’s beauty, simplicity, and the general environment.

But she simply can’t be here. I’ve learned how not to be mad over it anymore. Now I can just miss her, and live the life that she would have insisted I live. And I think I can live with that.