Yo, Hoomans!

It’s ME! Lily the Wonder Cat! Wazzup?!?!!

My Bi-ped is gone again, and he left me alone with his notebook thingie.

I was actually gonna watch some kitty porn on CatTube, but being without opposable thumbs can really limit the things you can do. So here I am with this stupid blog thing opened, and Google Translate helping me get stuff translated from “Catonese” to your dumb hooman language.

No matter. I have some stuff to say.

First, let me say this: My hooman is fairly cool. He feeds me. I always have water to drink. (It would be nice if he would share some of that wine he has been drinking. I don’t know shit about wine, but he could at least offer. Stingy bastard.)

He thinks I don’t know about his weird poop fetish. Check this out: I go poop in this plastic box he got for me. It has funky little clay pellets in it, so when I pee, it turns into a little clay/pee brick. The poop still stays poop shaped. He calls them “Tootsie Rolls”, whatever that is.

He legit comes in and snags my pee bricks, and my poop. Drops them into this thing he calls the “Poop Sausage Maker.” Poop sausage? Really? Who does that?

Although in fairness, the dog I used to have to live with before they dumped me at the SPCA used to come eat my turds out of my poop box. Dogs are dumb. 

This makes hoomans look kinda dumb, too. I mean, the dog eats my poop, and I’m the one that gets shipped off to the Island of Unwanted Pets? Was he on some kind of cat dung restricted diet? WTF?

I mean, it isn’t like I was talking him into eating my feline butt nuggets. He did that on his own.

Anyway, when I find out what the hooman is doing with my poop, I’ll let you know. I think he should be shamed. On the other hand (paw), he could be planning to build me something out of the pee bricks. Kinda like cat adobe or something.

But, like I said, my hooman is pretty cool. 

I was pissed about that whole roadtrip thing. How about YOU sitting your ass in a plastic box for nine or ten hours straight, listening to his weirdo playlists. It got better … Of course, by the time I was finally cool with it all, the trip was over. Maybe he will let me out to wander around the car next time. Maybe he’ll let me help with the music, too.

He totally sucks at that shit.

The place we live in is so different from where we were before. It is much more quiet. My poop box is in a totally different room. There are windows EVERYWHERE that I can sit in and watch birds and stuff. I like it here. I think my hooman likes it, too.

He used to pet me a lot. Now he pets me even more! I’m good with that. 

Now, I find this to be kind of interesting … He seemed sad when he came and picked me out at the SPCA. I’m not sure how I felt about that at the time. 

I wanted my hooman to be a happy guy. I wanted a happy place to live, especially since the only family I had ever known for the past eleven years DUMPED me like a bag of old shoes at the SPCA. I didn’t want to live with some somber asshole. Hoomans are some moody bitches, too.

But, once we got to know each other, we were OK. I had to let him know where his space on the bed was. I’m NOT a cat who likes to be crowded. 

Also, I don’t eat trendy food. I eat what I like. Same goes for my treats. (And, I WILL have my treats. Daily. Fed by hand. Bitch.) My treats had better be good.

Truth is, my hooman is pretty OK. He is easy to get along with. He scratches me just the right way behind my ears. He doesn’t seem to be as moody as other hoomans I’ve been around, and he usually seems genuinely happy to see me. I like him, but I have to be honest, I’m a little jealous.

You see, he has a hooman female that he talks to on the phone. I mean, they talk a LOT! He laughs a lot, so she might be a pretty funny hooman. I just know that he smiles a lot when he talks to her.

I’ve actually seen her. Once, some time back (cats don’t have calendars), and just this last weekend. 

Now, as I have said, he is a generally happy hooman. But, it is hard to tell you just how happy he looks when she is with him. It’s like a whole different hooman. And he is like that when he is on the phone, too. And it isn’t just because he like talking on the phone. I can tell when he is talking with her. His whiskers widen out and he shows his teeth a lot. (It isn’t like us cats: When we widen our whiskers & show our teeth, shits about to get real.) Oh, and hoomans have funny whiskers. Except the females … The females are all smooth and sleek. took me a while to get used to, but hooman females are pretty.

Funny, but even though critters without whisker look funny to me, she looks just fine, She has a kind and non-threatening smile. His face gets all red when she smiles, and he acts rather dopey (in my feline opinion). It is kinda cute. Hoomans are so funny.

As a cat, I understand how it feels to be close to someone you like. We like rubbing up against those that we like. Sometimes, if we really like another critter, we will go all out and let them gaze at our wondrous buttholes. It’s a cat thing. Let’s not be too judgy here. 

I’ve seen them holding paws, and snuggling (in the awkward way hoomans do), but they just don’t appear to have any butthole pride like we felines do. Maybe you hoomans will catch on one day.

All I know is that in the short time I’ve been with this hooman, I’ve grown to like him. He rescued me, for starters. And he is kind. He lets me sleep in the bed with him. In return, I do regular patrols at night to make sure he is safe. I sometimes bat at his whiskers to try to get him to pet me, but he isn’t much of a night creature.

And I have to say that it makes me feel good when his female comes. I like it when he is happy, and she seems to really make him happy. They appear to make each other happy. 

Tonight, he is trying to make it look like he isn’t some sloppy tom-hooman. He is making things neat around here. I think that means his female may visit. I hope so. Ilike her, and I like how happy they appear to be together. 

Oh, and she gives me treats whenever I bat an eye at her. She is a top hooman, in my book. I think she is his favorite hooman, too.

If he leaves his notebook thingie unattended again, I’ll let you know if I was right about the female coming. I’m pretty sure she is, though. I hope so. She really makes my hooman seem so happy.

With that in mind, stay tuned for another exciting installment of Lily the Wonder Cat’s adventures with her wandering hooman. It has been fun and interesting to this point, and I’m certain it will get even better. And I’ll try to get you the lowdown on the nice female hooman. I like her.